Vent on Bitches

Two Years??????

2011-02-17T03:01:00.000-08:00

what the fuck? i wanna know what the knights of the clown table have been up to. I'm in dire need of experiences beyond the OG vent on's. show me some motherfucking love and post some shit thatll make me laugh.

p

AWKWARD IN BED

2009-10-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

You know those girls that are just really awkward in bed?

cuz I do

I fucked one last night.

It didn't end well.

You get what you pay for...

She was free.

How I Should've salvaged it - 'face down ass up that's the way we like to fuck'

What I did wrong - my drunk ass made her ride me

How I made up for it - I came on her face and made her feel really awkward

How I could've sweetened the deal and made it even funnier - put a finger in her ass and make her say 'what are you doing?'

About Your Teeth...

2009-07-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

So I tried making out with you and you apparently had really bad breath, so I took a more in depth look and I noticed something:

Your teeth need some whitening strips, some sandblasting, and bitch you need some headgear.

I got over it though because who makes out for that long anyway, figured I'd cop dome, but at the 11th hour I remembered your paper shredder teeth and rejected my open invitation for you to give me mouth to south resuckitatoin (why is it always the girl with the paper shredder teeth that sucks dick all the time).

Then I was like fuck it, I've already invested all this time and grime, I might as well peel the pussy, (there's always one salvageable orifice) well then it hit me... If you can't take care of your regular smile, how you gonna take care of your vertical smile?
Apparently not very well cuz EW!

Moral of the story: If you don't take care of your teeth, you for sure have something!

Didn't wanna have to look at gross teeth so here's this pic instead:

Complexion Lesson

2009-07-30T16:21:00.000-07:00

There are so many of you girls out there that are so good from far away but so far away from good.
Your T is good, Your A is good, Your F looks like there was a FF on it and you tried to put it out with a SD (your face looks like there was a forest fire on it and you tried to put it out with a screwdriver)
Get some proactive, some neutrogena, or better yet a heat gun to melt those puss-ey craters off your moonface.

Jizz is good for your skin so just get bukkakked and call me in a week.

COMING SOON!!!!!!!

2009-03-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

ventonwierdosonsteroids/crackedouthookersonsmack.blogsot

Misconceptions of Misogyny

2009-02-12T17:49:00.000-08:00

Just because I use words like bitch, cunt, slut, whore-bag, cunt de quinté, twatsicle, meat wallet, wizard sleeve, slime tunnel and filthy syphilitic germ hole, and telling you you need belong cuntanomo bay, doesn't mean that I hate women. I love bitches! I LOVE BITCHES!

but if you want me to stop being a misogynist, then STOP SUCKING MY DICK ALL THE TIME!

Peaches en Gentalia

2009-02-03T01:19:00.000-08:00

Sex has been around for like 500 years. Ever since the Renaissance, human beings have been having sexual intercourse with each other. So after all this copulation, mutual masturbation, kama sutra, butt play, german schizer porn, heatherideepthroat, Sting repping tantric sex, cum snorting, cum farting, "simulated" rape, and Madonna repping Kabala - - WHY AFTER THIS DO GIRLS STILL THINK THEY CAN SUCK MY BALLS LIKE A MALT STRAW?

DO NOT APPLY SUCTION! THERE'S A REASON THE JAPANESE NEVER FUCK OCTOPI IN THEIR WEIRD ASS SEA CUCUMBER PORN!

Girls and How to (man)Handle Them

2009-01-29T21:01:00.000-08:00

When a girl challenges you mentally, challenge her physically.

If a girl is mentally challenged, abuse her sexually.

Widely Unknown Sex Regulations

2009-01-29T20:47:00.000-08:00

We all know how in Colorado there is the 16 and 6 statute, which illustrates that it is legal for a man to have sex with a 16 year old girl as long as he is no more than 6 years her senior, but did you know that it technically doesn't count as rape if it's in the morning?

THAT'S RIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMAN

It is perfectly legal to forcibly penetrate a member of the opposite sex if it is between 7:30 and 11:30am.
If it's 11:26 you better cum quick!

Also, in the state of Florida, if you are wearing a condom, it is illegal to cum in the reservoir tip. You mustn't waste your lively sperm in some rubbery grave, you are bound by law to cum somewhere on your partner's body.

In Germany, whilst fucking a female, one must German boss his partner. This is when the man takes his thumb and "corks" the woman's anus whilst keeping his other fingers straight and twisting left and right. Also known as the windshield wiper, Gorilla Grip, and the Siskel and Ebert.

I'll research some more strange fun fact fuck laws and get back to y'all.

The Myth of the Tantric Condom

2009-01-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

Tired of using condoms?
Scared of STDs?
Spend the next decade learning tantric sex!

Learn to harness the magic ancient Indian (dot, not feather) art of giving her more pleasure and all that other useless crap, but at the sametime you can harness your own chi power to prevent STDs with the mythical CHI CONDOM.

It's a forcefield of energy around your cock, you can't see it, or feel it, but trust us, it's there, and you're safe from AIDS.

Also, as a sidenote, if you don't wanna do all that fruitless labor, hate condoms, are only worried about herpes, and you want results quick: Use Herpe cream as lube and pop a valtrex before sex.

Trust us, it will work, which is why we offer a herpes back guarantee.

Periods Speak Louder Than Words

2009-01-16T22:55:00.000-08:00

I finally figured out why you stop having sex with me and give me "the talk" every so often. Ya I know you want something more than I do out of this and I try to be understanding, but let's be honest bitch, you only give me these talks when I'm not relentlessly stuffing you like a chilè relleño. AND THE ONLY TIME YOU GIVE ME SHIT IS WHEN COAGULATED BLOOD IS SEEPING OUT OF YOUR SAUSAGE SLIT.

Bitches don't get emo on their periods cuz of PMS, they get emo cuz they can't get fucked and when bitches aren't getting fucked all they can do is get emo.

Anatomy of a guy's cock (no homo)

2009-01-05T18:13:00.000-08:00

There is officially no clitoris or g-spot on the inside of my dick.

SO STOP TRYING TO TONGUE-FUCK MY PEE-HOLE and FINGERBANG my urethra, ya god damn bitch

Mono - The 8th Grade STD

2009-01-04T18:16:00.001-08:00

Let's face it, 90% of you sickos that had mono in 8th grade have some gnarly shit growin on ur genitalia nowadays.

RAPE - The highest form of flattery

2008-12-31T17:00:00.000-08:00

I decided

And do yourselfs all a favor and flatter some girls with your filthy cockspit tonight... happy new years

oh and remember its not really New Years if your balls arn't shaved

Save The Drama For Your Wallet

2008-12-12T15:12:00.000-08:00

Today I'm going to address a problem that us nice guys have to deal with occasionally. When a random dumb ho leaves some earrings, a watch, a necklace, a bracelet, a tiara, her iced out grille, her wedding ring, her diamond studded clit piercing or nipple rings, or any other shit in your room - - What do you do?

Well most of us cordial young gentleman would give the girl her shit back next time she came over or call her and tell her she left some shit. However, more often than not you wind up giving it to the wrong ho and she exclaims "That's not mine!"

Bitch I was just trying to be a humble good samaritan and return your shit and now you gotta get into specifics about how you weren't that last animal I stuffed?

Well I would like to save all of our fellow V.O.B. patrons that unnecessary drama in their lives. Instead of getting slapped, sell her shit at CASH4GOLD.com and buy something to spite her with your new found wealth such as a craigslist-ecstasy-hooker-orgy, a wheelbarrow full of tacos, or all the maxi pads and tampons within a five mile radius of her so she bleeds to death.

Ode to Molly

2008-11-25T20:57:00.000-08:00

Why Do I Love a Drug That Makes Girls Think I'm Impotent????

I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl. I will not take molly the first night I'm gunna fuck a girl.

Wait a second, bitch, that was your fault! - - I'm hard I'm ready to fuck, my super sweet playlist is playin, I only got the shaded lamp on, I'm holding in my farts... the mood is set.

And you - - you heartless bitch, you take a key full of molly and put it up to my nose after you just took one, you think I'm gunna turn down my favorite drug whilst hammered drunk and completely vulnerable to temptation and now peer pressured into something I already wanted to do???

I couldn't come in the morning or afternoon either, cuz you made me blow that shit right as we're going to bed and I'm rolling when I wake up.

Then the next night is a show, so of course I gotta roll that night, I only planned it for a month.

So I can't cum 2 days in a row. That doesn't mean I can't cum bitch, that means you need to stop being one of the Sirens from Homer's Odyssey.
Maybe it's not the molly tho, maybe your pussy has the sensation of fucking a wet plastic bag.

It's probably the molly.

God Damnit.

Delightfully Tacky, Yet Extremely Fuckable

2008-11-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

In 1986, I was born. As was the timeless and ultimately classy brown owls uniform.

For the sake of this blog we will call the establishment TITS.

So, we're at TITS and I am wondering how is it that one pics up a TITS girl.

I mean, the manager seems easy, but his name is Jim, no homo.

I asked her how old she was, and she said 18, and I said that's legal.

"Her boobs were very mature for her age."

"Her ass was an old soul."

So, if I don't want to sit at TITS and tip bitches all night for no lap dance, I should probably just buy some thighs and breasts. Spread some man ranch on it.

So I decided to spray my high life on her like I just won the world series. This bitch called the Lord himself on his celly just to request a Flyers win. She was so hard up for a good tip.

"Just the tip.
Just for a second,
just to see how it feels."

I mean she had nice nipples. From the back she looked like another woman - a thirty year old that could teach you something. She didn't have goggles, and I suspect that tomorrow her eyes will be swollen as if I just consolidated my antique liquid assets in her face after a red eye flight and too much cocaine induced partying.

Side note: Jo Pah gets a lot of ass for an old man.

Almost as much as Bobby Bowden ( I mean really, he is the slave driver at the number 3 party school - and good Lord they have a lot of cum dumpsters), but not nearly as much as Bobby Knight. Bobby slams bitches on the regular. You have no idea, but you know bitches like assholes.

So as the night and my miller high life starts to dwindle I figure I better clown this bitch before she goes home to her tomatoes soup made from ketchup and hot water, a dirty towel, a lonely bird with its head severed, and some boy friend who is just that a boy with a bank account he didn't build. Surely he has some barb-wire somewhere on his body, hair product and shaved arms, but good Lord, I am man.

So I tell Ms. TITS that she would look good on my dick. Nuff said.

Neff said.

"Blessed is he who cometh in the name of the Lord."

-Newcomer

Hey! Wanna Kill Yourself?

2008-11-21T16:33:00.000-08:00

first and foremost id like to thank all for reading. if you didnt, it actually wouldnt matter so get facefucked. im by no means a hater, but when you see that one dude you cant help but judge the shit out of him. i only know one kid who can roll with a breitling like its nothing and hes a goofy tall fuck that makes it allll work. back to the task at hand. ive never seen spiky hair work. surprise! it still doesnt. ive seen it all from girltight jeans to jnco "what the fuck are you thinking" zeppelin motherfuckers...he took the cake. short sleeve polo wearin silk tie, knotted. no homo.

I had to meet the kid to make sure he wasnt from prague or some stupid shit...american as they come. HOLY SHIT. I 9mmediately offered him a cosmo and asked him if hed like me to tie him a neuse right then and there.

do yourself a favor and offer the next man you see like this his very own suicide. its the only way to get to the point of how much you hate him. I swear its so easy.."hey, wanna kill yourself?"

Morning Mold

2008-11-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

Have you ever woken up, gone to the bathroom, taken a jizzy piss and then all of a sudden your nose says: "hmmm something smells like tuna fish and masking tape" Then all of a sudden you realize "woah, thats my dick".

Did That Asian Midget Really Go Black Face?

2008-11-03T14:37:00.000-08:00

Unless your a 14 year old boy stuck in an 80 year old mans sex dungeon, I'm pretty sure you are aware of the events of last weekend. No im not referring to making you watch me and my boys bukkake your mom, I am however referring to your friendly neighborhood sex-offenders favorite holiday. The only day of the year I can say I fucked a mouse and didn't actually kill it. This day my friends is Halloween. However resorting back to the original intention of my post is to comment on a thing I saw that very night. An Asian midget going black face. Now do all those things add together to cancel each other out and make this stunt p.c. or is he infact going to hell with the rest of the land of OZ munchkins. Lemme know what you think

Should I Just Keep Your Bra on?

2008-10-30T00:03:00.000-07:00

Let's face it, you got a good face, nice ass, some of the things you say are funny, your voice is kinda annoying but not off the charts bad... but bitch you got yourself a pair of Gorilla Tits!

It looks like there's a faucet under your tits, but instead of buyin water balloons you used regular ones.

They look like traffic cones that got left out in the sun and started to melt sideways.

Your nipples don't even fit in my mouth, what the fuck is your baby going to do... he's gunna need a fuckin giraffe neck and a boa constrictor jaw if he wants to survive.

I'm just sayin... it's weird, I feel like alien killer klowns are gunna bust outta your bosoms and eat my face

now i'm not sayin i'm not dtf, i'm just sayin, lets do it doggystyle or blindfold and handcuff me

Something please, i'll work with you, but keep those creepy problem child, bride of chucky twins away from me

I don't need to tittyfuck you I could use each tit as an individual fleshlight... weeeeeeeiiiiird

Vaginas... the New Napkins????

2008-10-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

Yes ladies, it is true, I do not wash my hands before I fingerboss you. I'm out at the bars all night, exchanging money, giving high fives to really sleazy people, and probly even fingerbossing some other bitch. Do I think to wash my hands? no.

Don't act like you're some kind of fucking saint either, bitch, I've seen you suck my friends dick, suck my dick, then make out with some kid that sucks; thus mixing two types of baby batter into some poor soul's mouth.

Well I don't feel bad for that kid (cuz I have no conscience) and I don't feel bad for you either when you start growing coral out of your meat sleeve.

I'm all about the environment (obviously not about your pussy's ecosystem) so I'm not about to waste baby wipes, hot wing napkins, or purell, just so you can itch less and thus sleep better at night, get over yourself... you're not that hot... or maybe you are, but the only bitch I care about is Mother Earth, and I've already knife-raped her repeatedly.

THIS IS THE PETRI DISH YEAST CULTURE THAT IS YOUR VAGINA --- (she's bakin a loaf and it's sourdough)

Sagging For Girls

2008-10-16T01:36:00.000-07:00

It is officially time to bring back low riser jeans and thongs sticking out the back. Frankie B's were the shit. I know it's not 8th grade anymore and you think it's trashy. But bitch you are trashy. Look at you. It almost makes me want to wear a condom with you... almost.

I fuckin love thongs sticking out the back of yo jeans, I can imagine what your ass looks like and I fuckin love it.

Don't give me that "they don't make short shirts anymore." Just lose all the weight u gained since 8th grade, let's face it your tits haven't grown and you haven't gotten taller. You won't look any trashier than you do mid-train. Who the fuck are you kidding?

Is it Worth It?

2008-10-10T19:31:00.001-07:00

The answer, my friend, is no. No matter what's going through your head or which mouth your head is going through -- don't drive home with a .24 BAC. I know there's been talk of your jimmy dean nestling into a brand new juicy sausage wallet -- when the cop pulls you over and all you can do is laugh quietly and stumble...you're a goddamn idiot. The only cumshots in jail that night will be in you and you probably wont enjoy it.

go green
lose weight
invest in windpower
fuck you

Who Knows Only His Own Generation Remains Always A Child

2008-09-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

So stop havin to be all contemporary and modern and everything and bring back hand jobs already.

Have we forgotten this sacred art brought to the West by Marco Polo in 1295???

Do I have to go to a rub and tug and pay $110 every time I'm bored of fucking you and you give head like you're 11?
--sometimes I just want the feeling of gettin jerked by someone other than myself and I don't want to have to sit on my hand for 20 minutes or go lefty.

Parking Tickets

2008-09-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

Parking Tickets are just cheap valet... unless you're some poor faggot or something.

Go Green part IV

2008-09-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

Go green use dirty laundry to wipe cum off girls

Road Head... For Dummies!

2008-09-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

Think you know how to get a suck-job while behind the wheel? Think again, cuz over here at ventonbitches we can always one-up you.

Step 1: Tell the girl your car runs on 91 high-cocktane assoline.
Step 2: Start getting head,
Step 3: Start driving.

Now you are gettin some fuckin road dome my man, but there's still a couple tricks up your sleeve she's not aware of.

Don't you worry about your car mister, you hit the fuck outta that speed-bump* comin up, cuz your dick is headed straight out the back of her neck.
It helps to have a fast car, a) so girls will give you road head in the 1st place and b) so you can accelerate your car faster and therefore accelerate your cock down her throat.

*If you can't find a speed-bump, sharp turns at high velocity will do the trick.

P.S. bring a gun, cuz if u crash and she bites your dick off, you need to kill her then kill yourself, you weird dickless freak!

The Decline of The Rave Culture

2008-08-31T00:49:00.000-07:00

The decline of the rave culture has truly become apparent to me tonight. 14 year old girls dressed like demented prostitutes, whom have undoubtedly told their parents they are sleeping at a friends house. These underdeveloped teenage girls, have a higher tolerance for ecstasy then my friends and I combined; their counterparts? Way too old be at a teen club, sweaty, smelly, sexual predator looking pieces of shit. They walk shirtless, sporting ugly tattoos, awkward piercings, only to be topped off with atrocious haircuts. As if their hair isn't ugly enough, they fill it with as much gel as will absorb into their hair, until it melts down their face as they dance looking like hypnotized rats. By the end of the night, this collective pile of trash is as faded out as the glow sticks they carry. The pacifiers in the their mouthes to stop them from grinding their teeth, makes the irony of it all so blatantly apparent. Ravers are regressing to their early sugar crazed childhood, instead of ingesting large amounts of candy, they take drugs. Ravers today are truly the parasites of partying, which is allowed to spread and manifest through Myspace.

Solution: Create raves with a little more class. Hire a good DJ who isn't just looping incredibly cacophonous beats through his iPod. Don't let gross people in. 18 and older. No myspace. A decent ventilation system so it doesn't smell like anal sex; good drugs, good people, good music, what could be more fun?

I'm Over M.I.L.F.'s

2008-08-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Older women are great in theory, but creepy in practice. While it is definitely true that a woman's sexual peak is in her 30's and a man's is around 18-20, this does not mean that one should try to capitalize on this anomaly. There is a reason that 50 year old guys go for 22yr old women and not 37yr olds. 22yr old women havent had time to go bat shit nuts yet. They don't get creepily overly obsessive and desperate about their biological clocks, they don't have saggy titties and floppy steak sheets hanging out of their fuck holes. Older women should be treated as a onetime novelty and nothing more. Spare yourself of the nauseating pussy flapjack eating at 10am, fuck girls under 34 for life.

The Deep South

2008-08-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

There's just something about these women I don't understand. Apparently there's a new fashion cooking up in the steaming hot pussies down here. Toothless women aren't good looking, but insist on wearing clothing suitable only for the fuckable. You should be dressing in pirate's attire, not one of your many daughters' mini skirts and hannah montana t's. What's really mind boggling is the dude your with doesn't seem to mind. Hopefully your pussy's as tight as that fleshy hole in your face where your teeth used to be...Let's get real though...it's probably like throwing hot dogs down a hallway after your sextuplets..and you're not even mormon! Get dentures.

I Never Cheated On You

2008-08-07T21:11:00.000-07:00

No really I never cheated, you see it's not really cheating if...

You don't cum.

The girl is a race you've never fucked before.

She never finds out.

You used a condom.

You jerk it onto a sleeping girl.

She swallows the evidence.

You double tapped, therefore cancelling it out.

You last less then 30 seconds.

10 Things to Say to a Girl You Never Wanna Fuck Again

2008-08-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

10. I've had better... earlier today.
9. Do you always have to queef like that?
8. Thanks, now I know what its like to throw a hot dog down a hallway.
7. You need a breast augmentation and a faceotomy.
6. Go get your own fucking plan B, it's not my vagina.
5. I just made a new website, it's called overyou.com
4. You suck dick at sucking dick.
3. I don't know what smells worse, your breath or your pussy.
2. For the whore you are, I really think you'd know how to flex your kegel muscles by now.

And the number one thing to say to a girl you never wanna have sex with again, at the end of your conversation say

#1. "P.S. get tested"

Go Green Part Trois

2008-07-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

Go green, don't waste tissues, snot rocket your coke boogers

Syringes contain plenty of environmentally hazardous materials, so lets use less of them, share your needles, go green.

Tampon Litmus Test

2008-07-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

The next time you pull a girl's tampon out and put it in your friends fish tank, wait a week before you take it out.
If the fish lives for a week, then you don't have an STD.

My Plan B is your Plan A

2008-07-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

Hey stupid, yes I am talking to you. You are the girl who refuses to take the pill but eats Plan B like its candy. Why? because the football player you fucked wore a condom but took it off to cum on your face? Your excuse? The pill reduces my chances of becoming pregnant. The amount of times you've taken plan B has made your ovaries look like my nuts, shrivled and hanging out of your pussy and not blending in with your beef curtains. Retarded bitch. This is a real breed of girls, closely related to the 'I'm saving it for marriage, so fuck my ass' girls.

Chili Flakes

2008-07-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

My dick is not a piece of pizza so do not treat it as such, I am issuing a cease and desist order on you bitches that think they can just sprinkle red chili-pepper flakes on my cock like you would a NY slice, this is unacceptable and once this reform has been made I will demand further reform into the unpizzafying of my dick, I don't have any herperroni so keep ur parmesan discharge away from me

Are You Not Entertained?!?!?

2008-07-21T20:36:00.003-07:00

When performing the risky roman helmet, it is absolutely imperative that you mutter out Gladiator, 300, and Troy quotes, such as "Are you not entertained?" "Tonight we die in Hell!" and "That's why no one will remember your name!"

Roman Helmet:
While she is passed out (or awake), gently and inconspicuously place your fleshy bag on their forehead while carefully laying down your dudemeat down the bridge of her nose in parallel fashion

ill try to get you guys a picture tonight, gotta remember to take my camera out

Can't Have Your Cunt and Eat it Too!

2008-07-21T20:36:00.001-07:00

Anecdote time...

I was hooking up with a girl and tried to go down on her... her pussy smelled so retardedly bad, (ya like a retarded bitches pussy smells) that I gagged and pushed her off of me. I still really wanted to bust that nut so I tried smelling my fingers to see if there was possibly some kind of discrepancy, but to no avail. I almost threw up on her, and I know for a fact that if I never tried to go down on her I would've fucked her rotten pussy rotten, which proves you literally can't have your cunt and eat it too, just beat the guts up right and you don't have to puke your guts tonight.

Sincerely
one of the guys that writes this shit

That Deaf, Dumb and Blind Girl Sure Plays a Mean Chin-Ball

2008-07-16T12:50:00.001-07:00

Going Green Part Deux

2008-07-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

So we've already covered how condoms are detrimental to the environment and devastating to our ecosystem.
Now we must venture further into this so called "green" discussion.
If you love your planet and I mean truly LOVE your planet, be humane to our home; we only have one EARTH so respect it...
RECYCLE: SHARE YOUR GIRLS

The Myth of the Cave Pussy

2008-07-11T00:51:00.000-07:00

I'll stop hysterically laughing if you stop queefing you weird bitch, that shit ain't no myth, I just found like four new layers.
Your pussy feels like lasagna, everytime I get through a layer of beef there's more weird flat noodle shit

I get two fingers in and I'm like alright that's a pussy and then I push them another knuckle and what do I find?
One of those blind salamanders straight outta "Planet Earth" swimming in your cavernous slime tunnel.

I'm not saying your vagina is loose, but I am saying you need a dreidel cock to satisfy your abnormal insides
I'd have to stir my dick like an egg beater to beat your eggs right
... but I'm ready and willing to go spelunking among your stalactites if you promise not to care when I don't ever call you again or make you cum in the first place

Deal?

k let's pretend you had a choice in the first place

The Notebook

2008-07-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

Simply and Plainly if you've watched The Notebook with a girl, and you didn't put it on pause to fuck...

YOU my friend ARE A HERB

Mad Cow Disease

2008-07-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gone down on a girl and she has a grotesque vagina?

Well I certainly have.

Does her sandwich have too much roast beef and not enough bread?

Are her pastrami drapes bigger than your tongue?

Can her beef curtains open up a Broadway musical?

If the answer to these questions is yes, call a mulligan and abort.

If you don't, her beefy pussy could give you mad cow disease.

The Island

2008-06-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

Wanna fuck in the hot tub but all you got is water based lube?

Well it sounds to me like you're shit outta luck...

unless that is... you know about the island...

The Island: Technically speaking the island is consisted of your balls (the island) floating on top of the water and your dick (the tree on the island) hard as a diamond protruding from your ballsack as to create the illusion that your dick is in fact the sole tree growing from the sand on some remote desert island. Congratulations, your dick catches the fish out of water and your lubrication problems are solved as the rest of your body stays warm. (your dick should be warm too unless you're out witchfucking or slammin a bitch with an icebox)

Fuckin Redcoat Limey Bastards

2008-06-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

What is it with British girls and their fuckin periods????

They're literally always on that shit bleedin 26 days a month and they are always DTF til they bleed to death.

If we put a tampon embargo on Britain, all the women would bleed to death and we could make the whole population gay within 50 years.

But all british guys are 1/4 gay anyway already so it would probly only take 3/4 as long.

37.66_ years til all brits are gay

start the countdown

LES vs. FAG

2008-06-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

Lesbians are so much worse than gay guys because they fuck up the ratio for guys like me. They take girls out of the fuckpool.

Gay Guys are the best, I love them (no homo) no only are they totally hilarious to laugh at and make fun of, but they make the ratio for us Breeders way better. Less guys competing for our puss.

Lesbians STOP STEALING MY WOMEN!

I absolutely hate it when a gay guy has no style. Those faggots are absolutely atrocious. I like dick homing piranhas more than them. If the movie Philadelphia taught me anything, it's that I wish these people would get fucked with an Aids dick already.

I cannot stand to see one more Fashion Fag Pas, or I will commit a hate crime

What Is It About Them?

2008-06-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

Pondering lesbianism has plagued my mind for years. Theres only one thing ur supposed to stick in that fucking hole of yours. I mean come the fuck on. I know theyve got those outrageous doodads that spin, whistle, vibrate, shock, and apparently make the pussy go apeshit. I think these girls need to wise up and just go with the meatstick.

Roomate #1's broke ass broke our broke ass staple gun. Therefore I required his presence on a nice little latenight walmart run. While purchasing pig's feet to feed to my other ogre roommate, I happen upon a full flavored goth hottie who I'd love to teach a lesson. Naturally my game is tight and her cooking skills must be impecable b/c she suggests a flawless method to disguising the swine and make it appear appetizing. I cant stop looking at her pretty teeth and get her didges. soon after long story short she lets me know shes homo

My new life goal is to bury my cock into as many homo hatchet wounds and convert the wrong to the right. I'l call her in a few days and make her see the bright side to being a normal human.

But Her Face...

2008-06-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

I really reaaalllly absolutely do not give a fuck what a girl looks like from the front.

Reverse cowgirl is my favorite position of all time and my 2nd favorite is doggystyle, so when I see a really hot girl on the street wearing white pants and it is apparent that her ass is phenomenal and her hair is great or she has some kinda dress or skirt jumpoff on and her legs are perfect and then you run up to spit game to her and her face looks like someone hit it with a meat tenderizer, I don't let myself get that heart dropping feeling you get on a roller coaster, I just treat her worse and she likes me better for it and I fuck the ugly out of her face then make love to her backside.

Butter Faces are A-OKAY

Why Won't She "S" the "D"?

2008-06-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

You might think she's a selfish bitch cuz she won't suck your dick, but she's actually a really sweet girl, it's just that she has... well she has... she has fuckin HERPES alright!!!

at least she's nice enough to not pass the hot potato around

"I'm too tired"

"I hate doing that"

na bitch you got herpitis

Fact: 99.99% of women absolutely adore sucking cock and swallowing baby batter (the 0.01% have hairlips and you don't want head from a hairlipian, trust me)

So as Bobby McFerrin would say "Don't Worry Be Happy."

I'm So Over Kissing

2008-06-06T16:15:00.001-07:00

Let's face it, making out is about the most emo thing one can do besides crying, cutting ones' self, playing acoustic guitar, or getting a lip ring and wearing eye-liner.

Kissing in public is especially bad, everyone stares at you and you can get mono from it.

Just go straight to the A.

If you wanna avoid kissing some fattie you just want head from (you know they give the best head cuz they think it's a feeding tube and they want the cream filling), all you gotta do is say, sorry I can't I'll lose my concentration.

They understand. They're Fat.

FLAG DAY

2008-05-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

Get ready muthafuckas June 14th is approaching. FLAG DAY is the biggest holiday ever, regular Flag Day is bigger than the fuckin Tricentennial will be in 68 years!

FLAG DAY = St. Paddy's Day(Christmas x Hannukah/Kwanzaa)+Your Birthday^ Chinese New Year x 6

So start savin up, you must spend at least $150 and buy the most retarded shit. It is a rule that you must orgasm four times and throw up black bile.

Are you FUCKIN AMPED YET??????

well if ur not get an aids test

Variety

2008-05-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

Every guy and every girl knows that we men like variety. Now this doesn't just mean fucking different girls every night except for the fact that it actually really does; but it also means that if you wanna get fucked up to four nights a week and thus achieve "Main Squeeze" status you must change it up.

This means changing up the pussy-doo sometimes we like landing strips for aesthetics and bare puss for feel. So don't do one or the other switch it up.

Change your hair color (to blond).

Get Bigger Tits, then shrink 'em again then get 'em bigger again.

SHEBONICS

2008-05-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

First I gotta give a shout out to Big L, rest in peace/
Now if you got HPV you got the bitch disease/
If you got lopsided pig tits then you need a lift/
If you bang a skinny girl you're on the graveyard shift/
Ya pussy-doo is how ya shave ya pubes/
Wack guys are referred to as herbs and nubes/
Gettin loose is the only way that we get down/
Degradin girls while rockin masks and hats is the clown/
Good to go means the schemes a success/
A clinger is a female pest/
Poopdick legit means you fucked her colon/
If something's free 99 that means that its stolen/
No emo means no drama/
If ya period lasts only 2 days its a comma/

When to Surrender

2008-05-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

If you are in college it is implied that you fuck on the first night.

Those that don't are usually given a second chance, but if by the third time you haven't at least been jerked to the point of eruption somewhere other than inside of your own pants... you must SURRENDER THE PUSS to some other poor bastard.

Make out 3 times? throw her the peace sign.

Some of you may be saying "what if she's a date rape victim and it's hard for her?"

Well that's probly why she got fuckin date raped in the first place.

no intercourse, no remorse.

BITCH LAW

2008-05-17T17:27:00.001-07:00

GIRLS ARE OFFICIALLY NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THE WORD "DUDE." ITS WILDLY UNATTRACTIVE AND MAKES ME GROW A BONER INVERSELY INTO MY BODY. YOUR NOT A SURFER AND IT DOESNT MAKE YOU SOUND COOL, IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE THE SMELLY PIECE OF FISH CUNT YOU PROBABLY ARE. PLEASE STOP. THANKS. BITCH.

and if you refuse may your shitty sounding use of dumb surfer vernacular conclude in your arm winding up like that bitches in the picture... have fun flicking your bean without your dominant hand... dude

WOULD YOU OR WOULD YOU NOT FUCK THAT

2008-05-17T15:22:00.001-07:00

Ok so ive been pondering this queery for quite some time now. Would i protrude dakota fannings slime tunnel with my buff cock. Some people find her cute and innocent, others find her to be a great actress, I however find her to have one sole purpose on this planet. That sole purpose is to be the ugliest fucking cunt slut in the entire world, cuz hey theres gotta be one. Lets start with her stupid shit face. It looks like her mom hired a MACK truck to be her orthodontist and if the "hey i just ran full speed into a wall" look is what they are going for, then they accomplished this goal. Lets move on to her shitty underdevloped body. Some would say "but hey! shes only 15" or however old that piece of shit is. Well i would say in reponse to that, "explain why thats a fucking excuse to have those shitty mesquito bite tits and what im sure to be a beef drapped cunt." I love 15 year olds, there one of the few things that give me peace of mind and serenity in this world, however this 15 year old can die a slow death cuz i would love nothing more then to douse her in fuel and burn her while jerking my dick. Writing this while looking at the horrific image is really starting to piss me off, so ill end on the note that if i were locked in a room with dakota fanning I would use barbed wire for a condom (one of the few occasions condoms are condoned) and i would fuck her in the eye. Goodnight and god bless.

WHEN ITS PROPER TO KILL YOUR BABY

2008-05-17T15:16:00.001-07:00

WHEN YOU HAVE IT WITH A MINORITY
WHEN ITS RETARDED
WHEN ITS GAY (THIS WILL TAKE A FEW YEARS TO FIGURE OUT SO GET READY FOR THE FAGGOT WAITING GAME)
WHEN ITS A COMBINATION OF THE THREE

or when your going green

and dont get all emo about it... toss that shit in a fucking trash can and go about your business... herb

THANK'S BLUE BALLS

2008-05-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know who created the term 'Blue Balls', probably Benjamin Franklin because he was the best inventor ever.

For some magical reason this two word combination can make even the cockteasiest of bitches say, "well i guess I have to suck your cock". When used correctly it is the 'Open Sesame' of 'Peelin Pussy'.

I really don't even think blue balls exist. If you've gotten blue balls your probably a faggot. For many reasons.
1. You didn't get the girl to suck your dick by telling her you'd get terrible blue balls unless she did.
2. You didn't jerk off on her when she fell asleep.
3. You stopped jerking off just cause your mom came in the room.

Don't Hook Up With Her If...

2008-05-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

She's got an Adam's apple.

Her pussy smells like she's been douching with oysters.

You can't fit your arms all the way around her and touch finger tips.

She's poor.

She's got meth scars. (those two actually go hand in hand - if you're poor you got meth scars and if you got meth scars you're poor).

Her breath smells worse than her seafood left in the sun pussy.

She has really evil eyes.

She has a bad ass snaggle tooth.

If that shit on her lip, got some shit on its lip

Clowning Rules

2008-05-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

Must have your personalized clownfit on (ie: chef's hat and apron, zorro mask, african face paint, surgeon's mask, pharoah hat etc...)

Can't clown solo.

No props for clowning on your own girlfriend (you shouldn't have one anyway fag!).

Extra points if the girls are sober.

You must quote these guys: http://dickscab.com/ - go to nutinass at the top and click the first video

Hate White Sharks

2008-05-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

I'm over girls that have more than one row of teeth. My dick is not a document exposing your insider trading so get your fuckin paper shredders away from there. If you're gunna act like Jaws at least put on the theme music when you blow me so I can get the adrenaline rush too instead of just the battle scars.

Why Don't I tell you to stop you say?

Cuz I'm gunna cum in your eyes to teach you a lesson. I'll sacrifice my dick for a week so you stop giving head permanently.

What's in the Mystery Box?

2008-05-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

You're at a bar. You see a bitch. She looks little drunk. You're thinkin... 'is she worth the nut?', you pull out that line you've been saving for a desperate occasion and you're in.
The bar closes, you tell her the party is back at your house. You're at your house, the party is in your pants and it's not hard to get into. She's in your bed, your iTunes visualizer is on and you're playing your cheesy fuck mix; you're tongue is down her throat, she is biting your lower lip... too hard, but you don't care because your knee is rubbing her pussy like a Muay Thai kickboxer. She moans in your mouth (your signal to move your hand down there for a more tactical pussy rub). As the gaylord Dane Cook would say "you're scratching her record like a DJ."
You slip one finger in, she let's out a moan, you're hard cock throbs, but it feels a little strange.
There's some long strange bump. Does she have a 207th bone you don't know about? Is that a stalagtite? An elongated clitoris? A hidden switchblade dick? no this is something else... hmmm... "OH SHITTTTTT, YOU BITCH, YOU FUCKING BITCH! IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING TAMPON!!!"
Really what you say... "ahem, hehe, babe... baby are you on your period?",
Dumb Bitch: "Yeah so, did you think I was just gonna let you get in my pants?"
In your head: "Well bitch, do you think it's alright that you let me mistake your coagulated blood hemorrhaging axe wound, for a nice wet pussy?"
What You really say: "Hmm well do think you could maybe... S my D?
Dumb bitch: "Do you think I'm some kind of slut?"
In Your head: "Of course I do! you were gunna break my dry-spell and I wasn't gunna tell anyone about it."
What you really say: "Of course I don't, I took you home cuz you were the most wholesome girl at the bar."

What ends up happening:

Rip the tampon out and throw it so it sticks to your wall like ready-made pasta (next to all the other bloody trophies) and hit it in the shower like a boss.

Step 2:

Step 4

(steps 1 and 3 are too graphic for our subscribers)

Ass Eaters Anonymous

2008-05-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

Have you ever waited for a drunk slut to be almost completly incoherent and immobile that youve told yourself it was a good idea to sit on her face and grind your ass into her stupid bitch mouth while you yerked your cock...no?... fags

Fresh Piece of the Day Award

2008-05-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

..... BRILLIANT

Birth Control.

2008-05-07T15:59:00.001-07:00

Just take the pill and get the weird fuckin horse-shoe shit outta ur pussy, its freakin me out.

My boy was fuckin this bitch and pulled his cock out and there was a plastic puss-slime covered horse shoe on his junk...WTF??? is takin a pill and makin ur titties bigger that hard of a task?

You think God doesn't condone abortions, yet you'd put a horse-shoe in your axewound? awkward

---at least get the patch if ur lazy, i'd rather think ur quitting smoking than putting weird chemical rings in ur snatch.

When to rock condoms.

2008-05-07T15:50:00.000-07:00

If the girl really wants you to fuck her raw, don't.

If you're feeling extra emo, wear one, cuz condoms are emo.

When you're really high and paranoid.

If she's over 25 (she's had way more time to get a STD* this rule does not apply to your friends mom).

-------When not to wear them:

When you're going green* -see going green post.

When you're drunk. (can't feel shit, better to throw your nuts on a craps game then not nut at all)

When you're rolling (E or molly increases serotonin, which increases feeling and decreases one's desire to rock a rubber).

When you wanna try out ass to mouth.

You're not a real man unless...

2008-05-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

You've parted the red sea like moses (fucked a girl on her period).

You've fit three fingers in successfully and tried for a fourth and the girl said "what the fuck are you doing?"

You've paid for a rub n' tug.

You've eiffel towered or leaning tower of piza'd.

You've butterscotched your friends.

You've made a girl suck her own pussy juice cocktail off your fingers.

You've double tapped

You've double tapped: fucking the first girl in the ass, and getting head from the second; ergo going ass to mouth.

You've performed the Jersey Meathook, while saying in Scorpion Voice: "GET OVER HERE!!!"

Never Say These Words to a Girl

2008-05-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

Baby, I'm sorry!

I didn't mean for that to happen.

Please Forgive Me.

How can I make it up to you?

Are you okay?

--------Don't lie to yourself, you are not sorry you just don't want her to stop fuckin you, and you did mean for that to happen, you just didn't mean for her to find out.

Stay strong brothers in arms, never give in and say you're sorry, cuz then they have you by the balls. Worst come to worst, upgrade. I haven't said sorry to a girl since '05, I will never relapse, ever.

see how much of an emo-whipped-fag you look like?
just kill yourself.

BITCHES EAT JIIIZZZ part deux

2008-04-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

If you suck a dick it could save your tits

The AP is reporting; Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

Now advert your eyes to the photo above, notice how genius that bitch is on the right, she ain't wasting shit and she obviously hates cancer and knows whats good for her... that other ones gonna lose her tits and look like a homeless grandma in about 5 years... Moral of the story: get off your fat asses, chug some dick, and for the sake of your lopsided pig tits, stop cum dodging

I'm Worried About Your Fingering Skills

2008-04-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

Get some grape-seed oil and make the heavy metal sign in her puss.

The Bearded Clam-Burglar

2008-04-29T23:11:00.000-07:00

You know the feeling of being robbed? Thats how you feel after having sex with the Clam-Burglar

Face Fucking

2008-04-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

I give a bitch down-syndrome when I fuck her face. If there's no puke on your balls you ain't doin it right. And don't worry that string stuck on your dick at the end of her night is just her tonsils. She won't miss them.

How They Wake Up

2008-04-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

Imagine for a minute that last night you and your boys ran train and clowned on some hoes, straight up mutted em out, maybe got it on video, maybe you came on your hand and rubbed it in their hair... now if you're us you don't have to imagine, but for the moment just imagine. Now I want you to think about how we wake up and how they wake up. They wake up feeling violated, used, low self-esteem, the works. We wake up refreshed, energized, confident, happy, content, laughing all the way into the night, repeating quotes from the night like "spread em bitch spread em" or "take me out of balls city" watching the video, putting shit in slow-motion, cheering, and hi-fiving. Good clown sesh boys, wash, rinse, repeat.

If You Don't Like the Backstreet Boys...

2008-04-23T21:49:00.001-07:00

Get a fuckin AIDS test! Nothing makes you feel better than bumping "everybody" loud as shit on a nice day with some bitches in the car screaming the lyrics. So don't hate and try to act cool and call me gay. Seriously, don't call me gay. I mean it. It's fun for me to say about you, but it's not cool if you call me that.

Gay Son or Dyke Daughter?

2008-04-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

Dyke Daughter - count it!

Never Say "Heads Up"

2008-04-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

Do not under any circumstances save a girl from a flying ball... ever. If she is hot, let the ball hit her in the nose and make her bleed, then blame it on your friend, console her, bang her... rinse wash repeat. If she is ugly, let the ball hit her, laugh, then get all your friends to laugh, then scream at her for getting ugly people blood on your ball

Acid is Healthy

2008-04-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

Many of us postpone going to the doctor, thinking the problem will whisk itself away, and it usually does, cuz if you have a shitty immune system you're not a real man; however those of us who take acid semi-regularly don't like to have something wrong with us when we trip, we don't want a stuffy nose, pain in our left nut, chest pain, or any other chronic pain or discomfort. We make sure we go to the doctor at least 3 days before any planned trip and occasionally we find that those regular migraines are actually caused by horrific brain cancer and we save our own lives a bunch.

Just The Tip... cuz bitches are retarded

2008-04-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

Listen Dummy, I said let's fuck, and I was gunna put on a condom, but nooooooo you wouldn't fuck, so I tried a different approach, "how bout just the tip" (you dumb bitch thats the only part that counts anyway) so I stuck the tip in no rubber, and now you probably have something, god you are a fucking idiot, kill yourself, or just wait for my HPV to kill you slowly but surely.

The Clamburgler Strikes Again

2008-04-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

Last Seen at K's Swooping Bedwetters bitch

have the drugs kicked in yet

2008-04-20T12:09:00.001-07:00

it just hit. make moves. how to get rid of a creeper

Clown On Hoes 101

2008-04-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

How do I clown on hoes? What defines loose? Don't worry these questions will be answered.

Start by picking up girls from passover dinner... yes passover dinner at the rabbi's. This is prime time fine real estate for finding those jewish dick suckers who are down to treat passover like thanksgiving... thats right extra stuffing.

(I'm still on LSD so it's hard for me type, plus im high cause its 420, and i haven't been sober in 4 days) Back to dick sucking cum receptacles: Her pussy stank like gefilta fish so I had to fuck her in the shower.

Pay close attention, to an insightful lesson on how to run a proper Shower-Suck-n-Fuck. After putting my moderately expensive WaterPik shower head on pussy pulse mode, I placed it between my legs, spraying the girls twat, intern giving the girl pleasure out of sucking your blood sausage.

After getting my nut on. I walk out of my other bathroom door... I have two... you're poor cause you only have one; to find my friend dressed like a psychedelic Wheres Waldo fucking the shit out of some girl, while the clowned on hoe says: "i needed this i needed this" and I'm screaming: "finish her! finish her!" He is fucking unnecessarily hard in order to exude his male bravado upon me, though I am unfazed, because his girl is a two. Before long he has cum... in his hand? Why did he cum in his hand? that was stupid. That violates one of the key rules of clowning: Spilling the seed... somewhere else besides her eyes, nose, neck. But wait.. he is an experienced clown. This fine puss predator covertly moves into attack formation, complementing the bitch on her hair, he then begins rubbing the girls hair and face, coating it with an uneven layer of viscous cock sauce. Almost instantly she notices, but is too late. She has been clowned on by none other than the ClamBurglar, the master thief of what every self respecting girl prides herself on... her dignity. Say bye to that one for a long time bitch.

go next door friend has pissed himself on the couch then after he leaves i am held down against my will by two massive twins shoving hawaiin lsd down my mouth while im soaking up my other friends urine with my white linen button down... urine which might i addd is so polluted with drugs it probably fucked me up worse than the acid, come back to my house and a man who has never taken acid is getting his dick sucked by some girl and demands a hit of acid. cut to right now my friend walks in with shirt that says We cant stop here its bat country, cut to bed wetter coming in saying raise your hand if you pissed yourself instead of getting laid. cut back to waldo holding his slimey baby ooze and rubbing in the girls face who had just gotten herself double dose of serious stuffing. cut to my earning his new nickname 'THE PUSSBUGLAR' "you know when you get robbed, thats kinda whata girl feels like after she's done fuckin the pussy buglar". Bed wetter: "yo i got 2 grams of molly" pussbuglar: "lets do it" bedwetter: "no shit, i didnt know the pussbuglar was retarded". If your form of clowing on a hoe is involving with you music " Glass in his foot is standard HE BLEW TWO LINES OF KEEF, 2 lines of pure concentrated keef he paid for it two Keefer Southerland: Yo i couldnt talk to that girl i was all congested from the keef. Moderation... what is modertation? just cause your fucking nose is available doesnt mean you have to snort everything. "what...? fuck you".

International Sex

2008-04-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

If you're fucking in Europe or South America, and you're banging her in the bathroom, you absolutely must bend her over the bidet and turn on the water in her face on full blast, otherwise you're just not a real man.

3P

2008-04-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

Also known as getting "airtight" when every hole is filled, the guys in the pussy and ass get to share a unique bonding experience, your balls do the hi-fiving for you.

It's Not Rape If...

2008-04-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

The girl is wearing funny clothing, if you leave your house dressed like a pirate hooker, you will be treated like one.

She's sleeping.

It's just "hot dogging" (rubbing your cock through her buns til you cum).

She doesn't remember.

You jerk it on to a bitch.

You use her tears as lube.

She secretly wants it.

She has no legs.

You make her cum somehow.

You put her panties to the side and leave the rest of her clothes on.

How to Sound Official

2008-04-18T18:17:00.001-07:00

All you gotta do is say "I saw it on Bill Nye" no one will ever question you. EVER.

Protect Against HPV

2008-04-18T18:12:00.000-07:00

Don't shave your pubes, when you have no pubes your HPV shield is down, they're your only defense, don't go past setting 5 on your electric*

*This does not apply to girls, get that shit lasered.

How to Sober Up in a Dire Situation

2008-04-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

If you really need to sober up and it's a life or death situation... flip your car, nothing sobers you up like a good car flipping, I got so sober after flipping car the cops didn't even think I was drunk.

...or just do a bunch of coke, thats probly easier.

Kegel Muscles

2008-04-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

Either learn how to flex them or just give me blow job, I'm sick and tired of girls that don't know how to contract their pussy muscles, it's the same muscle you stop your steamy piss stream with so fuckin figure it out, learn how to fuck bitch!

How Dumb is your Cum?

2008-04-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well that's your fuckin problem, mine is smart as shit, I fuck mad puss raw w/o B.C. and at least my spermites know how to turn around once they reach the egg of a whore, cuz they encounter so many different species of dead sperm, they're like fuck that and they swim back into my balls, so I don't have to wait at all for round 2 and I never make stupid cum dumpsters pregnant, get your sperm to read a book dumb muthafucka.

Cum Dumping

2008-04-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

Don't waste your seed with some anti-climactic cum shot. Be a pioneer. Cum on the girl where no other man has cum before. By this I mean literally tell a girl that you own the hotel she is staying in. Then while the superficial, money hungry, slutbag is tonguing your asshole searching for gold, explode your ball temperature jizz missiles into her nose and eye as you sit on her face.

I Live in LA

2008-04-05T22:37:00.001-07:00

Rules of the Train

2008-04-05T21:27:00.001-07:00

1. You must be hard, no rollin up to a train with your accordion smush-cock.

2. The only acceptable male contact are high fives, pounds, eiffel towers, and leaning towers of pisa; there is to be no crossing of swords and no sneaky fingers, cuz that would be gay.

3. No bogarting (puppy guarding) the mouth.

4. If the girl doesn't cum after at least 2 dicks, you don't know how to fuck.

5. First person on the train has to make her comfortable and make her want it, so the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th don't have to do anything but whip it out.

6. Flawless playlist on at all times, can't have any cheesy rap like "back that ass up "or village people to ruin your boner and make it awkward.

7. Sunglasses and crazy hats must be worn at all times. (these guys below fucked up)

LSD: $5 get your lifetime membership today!

2008-03-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

White is the new Gold

2008-03-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

Being a well traveled man affords you times and lessons that are unavailable those who choose not to roam the world. And if you are blessed with decent looks and caucasion skin, the world is your sexual buffet. For example, last night at the bar my friend, who we will call FRESHPIECE # 1, walks up to a middle aged argentine hottie who cannot speak a word of english. Freshpiece could not speak spanish, and somehow they had a unilingual connection that led to vicious makeout session and a public handjob infront of 300 people. Now i know what your thinking, " The girl was a whore, they were drunk, and thats what people do,". But here is something is to say about the well traveled american bravado. How, in the past three weeks, did three semi good looking americans with acumilative spainish vocablary, that would struggle to get guacamole, peel four spanish woman, ravage every hole possible, and light one of the biggest city on fire? There are two possible answers that led to this outcome. One , being white and american is still the thing to be.........or no matter where you are in the world, we all look at the same moon, and the moon is looking back at a world filled with superficial whores!

Bitches Eat Jizz!!!!

2008-03-30T17:37:00.001-07:00

Wanna know why I never called you back?

Cuz you suck dick like an 8th grader.

Practice makes perfect, and keep your teeth out of this cuz this is between me and you only. And if I ever see you spit my perfectly fermented and aged single malt cum into the sink again you will be bukkaked in your sleep.

Invent This Shit

2008-03-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

Pills to make your cum taste like pina colada or strawberry daquiri or hershey's syrup, girls give less head once they reach college, so they need more incentive to start sucking dick than salty, thick gooey cock-sauce, they'd rather lick their mucus off a tissue, I can't be bothered to chug pineapple juice and eat celery all the time, make me a fuckin pill so my dick-shake makes bitches want seconds, cuz I got two balls and one blow-job is never enough.

Don't Miss Out on Pussy Cuz of the Name Game

2008-03-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

If you're talking to/making out with/or getting a suckjob from some bitch and she looks you in the eye and pulls the "do you even know my name?" card, don't freak out and miss out on beating those guts up, here's what you do:

If you are around other people that know her, give her a hug and mouth to someone across the room "what's this cunt's name?"

If someone who doesn't know her is around, introduce them and you will get her name.

If you're alone and you're afraid she'll ask that looming question, you have 2 options:
-How do you spell your name?
-Do you have a nickname?
To which she says yes, and tells you, then you call her by that, if she says no, you say "then what do your friends call you?"

Then you're in there like swim-wear, unless your game sucks which it probably does.

NO CUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

2008-03-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

I just took a shit of pure concentrated evil. It smelled worse than snotty hooker pussy and i usually love the smell of my own shit. Dane Cook is a tool, his reality show 'TOURGASM' was not funny at all and exposed him for the turdbiscuit he really is. I look at the left over room service we destroyed this morning and there is no fucking way that made my shit smell so heinous. Maybe this has to do with when i decided to stuff a clump of coke claymation up my nose when it melted in my manny pack (I had to dig it out of my pubes). i'd carry a purse if it wasn't considered gay. all the good shorts don't come with pockets. douche-bags left me alone at the club with prude argentine bitch who's cockblock friend stared at me like i was an alien from planet Gonorrhea. After walking through the ghetto alone to try and get some sausage (no homo) i settled for what tasted like melted hotdog out of a formaldehyde jar. all this to come home and find out my friend had the privilege of fucking a squirter... she probably just pissed on his nuts. adios

Nanny 911

2008-03-24T03:27:00.000-07:00

I blacked out and came to fucking my friends 27 year old ex-babysitter in the sheraton public bathroom, she was riding me in the stall, I kept taking my cock out for her to suck her liter o' puss juice off and stickin it back in, she gave me a female ejaculate ballcuzzi, she was squirting with such ferocity it could have broken up a riot like a fire hose, my balls were dripping so intensely, the janitor probly slipped on her sludge this morning and broke his fucking neck, her pussy was like the spitting dinosaur from Jurassic Park, I felt like my balls were being pissed on, and they probly were at some point, then I moved to doggystyle in the middle of the bathroom, I said fuck the stall, anyone could have walked in and gotten super-soaked in the face, ovary temperature jizz was being sprayed out for at least 20min straight, she definitely needed a gatorade afterward cuz her electrolytes were soaked up in my pubes.